After dinner this evening, I remained on the back porch rocking gently to the subtle sound of raindrops on the tin roof and instrumental music wafting over my fragile heart. The natural light was somber due to the ever present rain, but perfect for approaching a meditative state. As I lulled myself into a place of reception, the same old images began to float around in my head. Reacting as I always do, the tears of remorse and self-blame softly streamed down my face. Mentally, I opened my heart to the Redeemer and asked Him to continue the work of eradicating the decay negative images and self-esteem had created. The tears increased in intensity as I outstretched my arms to offer Him immediate access to the death that needed removal. The most painful extractions are those I feel I deserve to maintain because they were all part of the happily ever after dream I had created years ago. Yet, I begged for the surgical process because I recognize the stubbornness and stagnation they cause. The longer I insist on possessing the image of a man that does not exist and the hope that all things will turn in my favor eventually, the more protracted the healing journey will be. So, He cuts and disposes of untruths, doubts, blames and unhealthy hopes as I learn to become more vulnerable to the Prince of Peace.
Yet, He does not leave me on the table with festering wounds. He romances me and nurtures me towards the woman He always meant for me to be. With each neatly eradicated inaccuracy, He bandaged it with love and new hope. As the music infiltrated my mind and the rain provided a syncopated background, Jesus danced with me. He took me in His arms and lifted me above His head. My Wonderful Counselor twirled me around the green field at a perfect pace and in perfect form. He knelt before me and offered His outstretched hand as a promise that I would always be His and He would always be mine. We danced freely, our faces emulating pure joy. My Christ showed me that He is the Knight in Shining Arm I have so craved and He did it with grace and rhythm.
But, the image of My Savior engaging me with intensity became weak as the enemy drudged up the same old stories that knock me off my feet. However, the duration of the theif's interlude was short lived. That was the time the King of Kings brought up visions of other romancing moments we have had together. He won't let me forget that the only One who has been by my side through the hell and high water I have treaded is the Lord of Love.
For two spring breaks, God called me to the Cenacle Retreat House in Houston, Texas. I had an ulterior motive for the initial visit. I was convinced God would show me that my patience was paying off and my marriage would be saved. I was quickly corrected when I met my spiritual director and absorbed the setting in which He had placed me. His motive was to convince me that He loves me and I am loveable. That spring break was the first time I ever heard God sing to me. Through the soothing coo of the trutledove, God sang, "I love Laurel New." This chorus was expressed multiple times. I awoke to it. I was greeted with this truth while I walked and I meditated. He was not going to allow me to depart without this reality ingrained in me. Acknowledging His love song, I was eager to hear the turtledoves of Austin remind me of His undying love. To my surprise, the cadance of the Austin lovebirds was different and did not resonate within my soul.
The second visit to the Cenacle brought even deeper communion with the Lover of my soul. I heard the turtledoves seranade me again. This time the phrase was, "I love Laurel Lee." He was preparing me for the death I would have to endure. As I entered the labyrinth, God took my hand and walked every step with me. Really, he held my hand and let me talk my heart out. Upon entering the center, God shared that it did not look like my husband was going to come around. Devastated and on the verge of collapse, I asked the Knower of All Things if that meant that I could move to Colorado. I received a resounding yes. I know I walked out of the labyrinth, but through the weakness the truth had created I felt lifted up into His embracing arms with my head nuzzled under His chin. While we made our exit, He showed me pictures of the mountains and snow of Colorado.
Another act of romancing occured as I walked from the labyrinth to my room. A glorious black butterfly fluttered past my view. I stopped to watch it, in awe of its abandon and grace. Its wings seemed covered in rich velvet and its path was reminiscent of a regal ballet. Before I could continue on, the Mighty Teacher told me that one day I would be as free and captivating as that butterfly. At some point in my life, people would want to know what gave me the joy I exuded. What a statement coming from the Most High! I will find my fill in Him and it will be enough to cause others to want to know.
You know what just occured to me? Jesus is fighting for me. He is battling the enemy with every fiber of His being. He is warding off the attacks that will destroy me and assisting with the recovery of those that actually get through Him and His angels. This is quite profound for me because I have asked for the past 3 and 1/2 years why my husband never fought for me or our marriage. Well, dear ones, My Husband has fought for me every inch of the way.
"The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full."
John 10:10
4 "Do not be afraid; you will not suffer shame.
Do not fear disgrace; you will not be humiliated.
You will forget the shame of your youth
and remember no more the reproach of your widowhood.
5 For your Maker is your husband—
the LORD Almighty is His name—
the Holy One of Israel is your Redeemer;
he is called the God of all the earth.
6 The LORD will call you back
as if you were a wife deserted and distressed in spirit—
a wife who married young,
only to be rejected," says your God.
Isaiah 54:4-6
The map of the heart has mountains and valleys; straightaways and curves. I am convinced that someday soon, your inner and outer journeys will merge into one harmonious song.
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