God Cried with Me Today (Yesterday)

I know that for those who have read my previous blogs, this one seems a bit tourist-focused rather than God-focused. Believe me, God is present and awakening things within at a powerful rate. But, I have noticed that when I start to write about what is happening inside I get this nagging feeling that I am not to post. You see, my journal is rife with bile and toxic articulations. I am at a stage where I am quite angered by the actions and choices of the one who betrayed me and the words that bleed from my pen are UGLY. There is just no other way to describe it.

I am beginning to think that it is much simpler for the one who betrayed to get on with life than the one who was betrayed. Please be comforted in knowing that I am in a much better place than I was 3 1/2 years ago. God has given me sooooo much to be thankful for and I am eternally grateful for His gifts. But, I am realizing that throughout this school year, I have done a great deal of "stuffing" in order to enjoy the gifts I have received. Inside there are many emotions, thoughts, resentments and visions that are all surfacing with a vengeance during this trip. I had a reprieve during the school year and now is the time to face the demons and give them honestly and wholly to God. But, before I can give them to God I have to acknowledge they exist and face them. It is not pretty and am I ever appreciative that I am cloistered in a retreat center filled with nuns to meet these evil tools of the enemy.

Yesterday, I had planned on going whale watching off the coast of Massachusetts but awoke to a steady rain. I looked at the weather report and decided to reschedule for Friday, the day I intend to leave the retreat center. I am meant to fight this bondage with the loving guidance of the One who loves me most and He has arranged for no distractions. Phew! I am exhausted but thankful that my pen is the one that bleeds rather than people whom I might impale with the bitterness I have harbored for a long while.

To many I have touted the wonders of journaling, but I must do so again. There will be days and weeks that I will go along without touching the book, but every time I do I walk away drained and refreshed. Rather an oxymoron I realize, but I would prefer refreshingly drained to bitterly filled. If I try to mentally manage the destructive thoughts and visions that play and replay in my head, I get extremely bound by them. If I spew on paper and allow myself enough time to completely empty them on the page, I eventually get to a place of peace and renewal. I cannot claim to understand why this works, but it is the best prescription I have ever taken.

Here are a few things that God has shared with me over the past couple of days.

~He wants me to bring all to Him despite the depth of ugly it might contain.
~He loves me more deeply than anyone is capable, even with the baggage I bring to the table.
~He has been there every step of the way, especially when I have felt most lost.
~He guides me clearly, the enemy is the one who interferes with confusion and negative thoughts.
~He hurts with me no matter how minuscule the pain.
~He expects this process to take time despite the time table society puts on such a recovery.
~He honors my tears because they are a reflection of my willingness to be real with Him.
~He gives me joy at the most unexpected times and rejoices when I openly celebrate this gift.
~He gives me all the grace I need each day and He is training me to be gracious with myself.

I know that I am on the right track and in the right location for a couple of reasons.

While I visited Nathan's oldest brother in Boston, I became aware of how happily Nathan is moving on with his life. Needless to say, this was devastating and all I wanted to do was attack the character of the human I have loved with all my heart and the one with whom he has chosen to share his life. It would have been so easy to escape mentally and physically, but I held my ground and experienced the joy of life throughout the visit. Delbert was a perfect gentleman, a considerate host and a patient friend.

Once I got settled at Berakah in Pittsfield, NH the barrier came crashing down at the slightest indication that God was loving me into the next step of healing. When each retreatant was asked to draw a scripture from a basket, this is what God offered me.

"I know whom I have chosen."

John 13:12

I lost it right then and there. In fact, my cheeks have been damp off and on since that night. Sometimes the tears are bitter and resentful. At other times they are sweet and joyful. He has chosen me. For what, I am not sure, but the adventure He has planned for me is in the making. For all I know, I may already be in the midst of it.

In a nutshell, God has me laid out on a surgical table and He is in the process of removing all that has held me captive throughout this ordeal. It is painful because I am reliving things I have squelched and noticing truths and lies that have never been apparent before. But, I rejoice because I want to be free and I have invited Him to use His scalpel on my heart. He is my physician and my counselor. His love for me is beyond my understanding and it stays. His love never changes and His compassion is always present.

***** Yesterday, I located a secluded screened-in porch and occupied a rocking chair. The Aspen leaves were swaying in the breeze, each one's brush with another expressing lightness. The birds chirped songs of intent and the flowers bloomed boldly along the border of the porch. In meditating on the sounds of nature, I heard a cry that seemed child-like. Looking out the door, a tom was insistently claiming his victorious hunting trip. The prey in his jaws soundly supported his boasting. Rivers of salt water trickled down my face as I breathed in the damp scent of a long drenched ground, and then it started to drizzle. God made sure I was aware that He knew of my wound and He was crying with me as I faced the enemy's rope that has kept me bound for what seems like an eternity. My God cried with me today. He shed tears of sorrow with me. He has not minimized my perspective nor rushed me to a new place. Even at this point in the journey, He acknowledges my reality and offers His sympathy through the beautiful act of tears that rejuvenate and give life.

Praise Him! I look forward to what He has in store for me today.